I don't have an answer for everything. The truth is, sometimes I don't have an answer for much at all. Sometimes I'm just downright scared.
As a little girl I always battled fear. I had a pretty easy childhood, a wonderful Christian family and a safe home. Yet, I battled an overwhelming fear for years. Mostly before bed I would feel a sense of panic. But in general, I was afraid of my own shadow. I let my little brave sister take a lot of lead because of my shyness. I was an embarrassed not-so-good reader. Not to mention I was always worried someone in my family was going to die. Night after night Dad sat on the edge of my bed and prayed over me. He told me that God is always going to be there and take care of us.  I begged him not to leave my side... it was too scary alone. But he had to leave. I cried in fear as I lay awake night after night.
I grew out of that as the years passed. My fear of being in front of people passed. I got to the point where I actually sang in front of people at church. My Mom figured out that I couldn't read well because I could hardly see, so I got glasses. Before I knew it, I would sleep through the night. The fear faded.
Fast-forward to last week. When I heard about the turmoil in the Middle East, I was uneasy. I realized that that could apply to Josh. I feared that World War 3 would break out. That he could be deployed before our wedding. I asked Dad what all of this meant for the US. He sighed as he said we would just have to "wait and see." When I got back to my room that night. I felt it. That fear. I hadn't felt anything like that since those dark nights in my room as a child. Over the past few months I've had things to be afraid of. I wondered back in January if Josh would end up in Japan for 3 years... I mean, there were things to be afraid of. But this time, it was different. This kind of fear makes God feel far away, it makes you want to believe lies, it makes all that you know to be true flee, it takes your breath away. Suddenly I was eight years old again laying in my bed crying. I was just begging God to take away the fear. The fear of what? What I have no control over. The broken world around me, the people in my life, the circumstances that threaten to surround me. Yet, thankfully, as I quoted Scripture it ebbed.
That fear comes back sometimes even when there is nothing to be afraid of. Even when my family tells me that everything is okay it comes. It makes bitterness easy, anger a first choice and excuses comfortable. It is lies from the Satan and his demons. They hate me and Who I stand for. Fear is one of their sharpest tools.
The words of David in Psalms mean more to a heart that is weak. "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry." Psalms 40:1
I know that when all is easy, it is easy to rely on your own strength. I feel that a lot of my strength is gone and so I turn to the One who never leaves me. He's there. I'm still scared. I don't have an answer for everything. I am not depressed. I'm joyful, but I feel the battle that "is not against flesh and blood" a lot these days. I need His strength. I know you do too. I wonder if you have ever felt this way? Hopefuly something I have said has encouraged you.
I will brace myself and fight with the sword, the Word of God. When fear arises, I stand. I will not fall, because where do I stand? I stand on the Solid Rock and you know what? The view is really nice up here.


  1. Thanks for being honest, Katy. I do understand what you talk about - and I have been praying for you as I know it is tough especially being away from Josh. I pray that God meets you in this place and sets you free on a level you have never known. This was an encouragement to me, so thank you for sharing. Keep it up - you can do it! :)


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