In fact, I was sitting on the couch last night folding clothes when I had the thought, "Tomorrow is Saturday. I can't wait to sleep in and relax." Then I remembered that I am a mother of a six-month old. This precious, lively, blue-eyed and way too cute six-month-old who simply doesn't need sleep... apparently. She hardly naps at all and wakes up frequently each night to just look at me and smile. This darling child. But her mama loves her some good sleep... she hasn't gotten it in ole about six months and really seven and a half if you count that last month and a half of pregnancy. I can't complain because this is exactly what I prayed for. Yesterday while running around trying to clean up around the house during the fifteen minute nap Rosebud was taking after getting a text that Josh would be working late... again, I just felt down. That's when it dawned on me that I was doing something that was bringing me down. I was expecting myself to do everything and do it all perfectly. I don't know how many times I've thought, "How can I keep a house clean with several children if I can't with one baby?!" I just kept telling myself to work harder. Beating myself and then scolding myself for beating myself up. Can you say "vicious cycle?!" One thing after another. Just not good enough.
That's the lie we often believe, isn't it?
Is my life as fun as so-and-so's appears to be on social media?
Do I make enough money?
Do I have nice enough hair?
Do people think I work out enough or keep my kids well clothed?
Enough. Enough. Enough.
This isn't one of those blog posts where you're going to get told it's okay to not try to be good and you're "free" to be "whatever" you want to be because you're saved and sanctified.... No, there isn't an excuse for sin and we do need to strive to be like Jesus in all we do. Grace isn't a soft, fluffy pillow that we can lay on while we sin. But what I am saying is: don't sweat the small things of life... and small things are usually material things.
It sounds so simple, but it's hard to apply to life. So. Here I am admitting that maybe I can't make baby food all natural and do cloth diapers and cook and clean, pack to move home and a million other things and then wonder why there isn't time to just sit beside the hubby on the couch or maybe write once in a blue moon or even touch that keyboard I haven't hardly glanced at in months. Just maybe life is going to pass me by and what will I be able to say? Boy, I sure got all those clothes washed and look how much money we saved making baby food? None of that will matter. Time. Time will matter and what I did with it. Did I make a difference? And I used to think only "differences" could be made on extravagant mission trips or on big stages.... Ahh, that was a foolish thing to think. The biggest differences are made not from podiums or classrooms. They are made right at home.
So here I sit in my little home (only to be home for two more months) and savor each moment for what it is: a precious gift only given once. That is precisely why I shall stay home with my Rosebud as she grows never to leave her, for she is my legacy and a legacy can only be made with a whole lotta time, effort and love. I may not be good at this mommy thing all the time, but it's right where God placed me and that helps me know... He thinks I'm good enough for the job.