Learning What Matters Most

Here I sit with the sun on my face and soft breeze in my hair. Ocean breeze. And though I love it, it's not my absolute favorite. My favorite is mountain breezes. The kind that smell like pine needles. But here on a vacation the change is good. It heals the soul to sit and just breathe. It's been so many months since I've blogged. The time to sit and let words come has been a distant hope and dream that maybe soon I'll be able to again. Evelyn Ruth entered my life November 11th of last year. She's six months old today. No one can explain what it's like having a toddler and a newborn. You have to experience it yourself to get the true effect. Yet, through the exhaustion and frustrations that come and go... I'm learning to watch the moments. Those sweet moments when Charlotte kisses her sister's spikey hair, when they both cry at the same time because I'm not giving either the attention they want, when Evie grins because she gets to see me, the squeal when Charlotte flies down her playground slide, their daddy holding them both in his arms at the same time while saying "my girls." And I breathe it in. I don't want to control it all anymore. Perfect matching shoes and outfits, cleaned up messes the instant they are created, ketchup smeared across the kitchen table. I just want to close my eyes and breathe. I may cry a little along the way, but I won't shame myself because it's hard. I won't beat myself up because my midsection hasn't shrunken like it did after my first baby or that Evelyn's size 0 month clothes are scattered about because I haven't had time to box them up. I want it to be perfect, but I have watched myself work to near depression just to be "good enough."  I just want to be their inspiration. The reflection of God. And you know what? I think I am becoming that. Because when all else fails, that mess can wait till tomorrow. Right now she runs to me and I wrap her in my arms because I am her mama.