Letting Go

I am a control freak. I just am and it is wrong. I always want to know what is going to happen, when it will happen, where it will happen, and why it will happen. And I have to know everything that will happen. Yes, I sound like a joy don't I? Not so much sometimes. 

But my life just doesn't always happen like that. In fact, no one's life is like that, especially if you are Christian. You just never know what will happen. It makes my heart pound and my hands get sweaty and Satan whispers in my ear, "Everything's going to fall apart. You don't know what's going on and I know that things are just going to crumble. Look how bad everything looks. It's so bad." And sometimes... I believe him. 

My Dad, Kandace (my 13 year old sister) and I are leaving for Ethiopia in two weeks from this Wednesday. Two weeks. I went two years ago this past May and it was awesome, but crazy hard at the same time. I've told everyone how hard and how amazing it was. But lately I've just been thinking about the hard parts and thinking... holy cow, I've actually chosen to do that again?? And then there are all the preparations. Lesson plans and lesson plans and... lesson plans. 

And then, I think about how many of my best friends are leaving. They are either leaving the county or the state. Some permanently and some not. I think about me and how I'm left in the dust. It makes me irritated.

I was thinking about how God just must not really notice these problems in my heart and how I'm doing all this alone, or so it seems and how I didn't think that this or that could ever be possible, because apparently I'm at this alone. All of that I knew was false, but I was still thinking it, just the same. 

I was reading in Jeremiah 32 half-heartedly. Not really paying attention when I read in verse 26, "Then the word of the Lord came to Jeremiah: 'I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?'" I stopped. What? "Is anything too hard for me, Katy? Have you forgotten that I am GOD? Every detail of your life is laid out before me. I know what I'm doing. Now, what isn't my fault is your attitude." Ding, hello! Katy, wake up! That moment God said... NOTHING IS TOO HARD FOR ME. Not your life, not family or friends or school or even.... Ethiopia. 

I went to see what was going on with Jeremiah and why God said that to him. Jeremiah was told by God to buy a field in the Land of Canaan. The Babylonians were taking over and Jeremiah didn't understand why God was asking him to do such a thing. The story really had little to do with me, but not the one part that stopped me cold. I remembered that Jeremiah was called the "Weeping Prophet," because after 70 years of preaching the word of the Lord, he still had no converts. Talk about feeling like you're living a pointless life! When I had looked back I saw that before God had said that to him, Jeremiah had said to the Lord in his prayer, "Lord there is nothing to hard for you." Jeremiah, just like me, knew the truth, but it was having a hard time making it from his head to his heart. I still don't understand everything and I can easily let Satan's demonic forces whisper in my ear, but I know the truth. I know the Truth and the truth sets me free. 

We can't dispute God's will, but we can seek to learn what it means. For me, I just have to let go. Of people I love, the truth about places I'm going, of friends who leave and I have to let go of my life. It isn't mine anyways. Easier said than done. But I have to keep trying. 


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